Haley's Story

Hello My name is Haley, and I'm a freshman in highschool. I love it, but I haven't always. That is. I haven't always loved life. Just last year is when everything happened. When the life I lived no longer existed and I had to find a way to rebuild it. There was only one way to do so, and it was through Jesus, and this is my story.

I have grown up my whole life in a Christian home. I have 6 brothers, 2 sisters, 1 dog, 4 cats a mom, and a dad. Definitely not you're typical American family. From the age of 8 I understood the message of Jesus; of how he came and died on the cross for me and rose again so I can live with him in heaven. But that is all it was a story, no different than Beauty and the Beast. (My all time favorite Princess) So maybe your reading this and you only know the storybook picture of Jesus or maybe you don't know the story of Him at all. No matter who you are or where you are I pray that as you read this the story of Jesus becomes real to you in a way you can relate to, because my story isn't about what I have overcome, but it's all about the power of Grace. I am no one and nothing, but Jesus is my all. Jesus is not his only name He became my friend, parent, counselor, rest, food, and my life. Without Him I wouldn't be alive at this moment.

Last year I went back to public school for the first time in 4 years. I had been home schooled, and I wanted to go back and start a bible study there. School was a lot different than I expected, and even though I make friends easily I felt like God threw me in a big tub of water and just smashed the last air hole in. I totally felt so alone. Everyone has probably felt alone at some point like their life is missing something and they don't know what it is. As I was searching for something I totally forgot about my goal and just walked away from my faith. At school I was the Christian girl who everyone came to for help, but at home I I held a bottle of pills in my hand every night wondering if I should make it my last. I cam so close to the point of suicide, but luckily I got help. I thought Jesus had just left me. I hadn't started the bible study and my life was a mess. To be honest, I can't remember much from that time, because I was in total daze I was a heat pumping in a dead body. I thought I started to make sense of life again, enjoy school I even got the bible study up, and running. However. I am extreme perfectionist and I felt I could not live up to everyone's expectations for me-God's my parents and friends, but the reality was I couldn't live up to my own. I've never been straight A's the star of the basketball team or really the star of anything. I tried to fill that missing piece by cutting myself hoping I would figure life out. But I didn't. When your at the point you feel so alone. Yet that is when we learn how valuable as we see ourselves as God sees us finished and complete. But I didn't see myself as a work in progress. I saw myself as a load of trash and no value in it. I started cutting, tore up my bible, and did a lot of things I won't mention. The worst part is all this time I was still living a double life. I was leader of the Bible study, got picked to make the speech at 8th grade graduation, had a lot of friends, but what did it matter because all I thought about was me. What I couldn't do. Without Jesus I am really nothing, because my value is not in what I can accomplish but what He does through me. It got to the point where I was covered in cuts, and through a long and hard process I started to see myself as Jesus does. I love school now I even got voted class president. I am actually learning to live, and to really love it. I can't say I had a revelation and healed. But I learned that the only thing that satisfies is Jesus, because that whole in me isn't shaped like a razor blade, or bud light, or Brad Pitt, it's shaped like Jesus and He is the only thing that satisfies. He is the only thing that fits. So many times we think about us-what we can and can not do. But it isn't about us. It's not about being perfect or living up to the standards people place on you or place on yourself .it's about finding your value in Jesus.

I can't give you five steps to get there. It's a lifelong process I'm still on myself. I lost sight of my goal. So many times we wait for God to come rescue us to pursue us that we forget about how much He wants us to pursue Him. It's like when you're dating someone and you want him or her to go after you. Well guys, if Jesus is the ultimate lover how much more does He want us to pursue Him? And when we don't, think about how that His heart breaks. If anyone can relate at all to anything about this, than you know that you don't have to reach some sort of goal for God to find you. He wants you right where you are! Are you willing to pursue Him? He's already chasing after you.